


hell is other people

by echeveria



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: M/M, it's basically crack, there is also implied akakuro and kikuro, utter silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 21:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6256882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/echeveria/pseuds/echeveria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five (or is it six?) guys in a broken elevator.</p>
<p>Kuroko purposefully makes things worse, and Mayuzumi is not entertained.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hell is other people

**Author's Note:**

> lol it was going to be akakuro but then it turned into mayukuro (or is it kuromayu?) instead. sHRUG

There was no discernible reason for the current predicament. It was perhaps simply a matter of fate for Kuroko Tetsuya, Kagami Taiga, Kise Ryouta, Akashi Seijuurou, and Mayuzumi Chihiro to be trapped inside a malfunctioning elevator together. This occurrence would later become known by others as the "pizza incident".  
  
The five high schoolers were positioned as such: Akashi was by the button panel next to the door, staring at the non-responsive call button with his arms folded across his chest. Kagami stood in one of the back corners of the elevator with a panicked expression like that of a trapped animal. Kise was casually leaning into the corner diagonal to Kagami, surprisingly calm for some reason. Kuroko and Mayuzumi were in the last corner together, probably because their individual presences were too weak to claim a corner each.  
  
It was not difficult to say which one of them was the most miserable. It was obviously Mayuyu.  
  
Having been the first person to enter the elevator, he really should have gotten out as soon as Akashi came in, but he dismissed the thought as petty when he imagined how lame it would look for him to avoid his bratty kouhai in such a transparent manner. Then, at the next floor, the overly rambunctious duo came in with Kuroko in tow, and made a huge fuss over running into Akashi, much to everyone else's mutual annoyance. Mayuzumi could have easily slipped out without even being noticed, if not for Kuroko's combined perceptiveness and politeness. Instead, they exchanged an awkward greeting as the doors fatefully closed.  
  
And now, here they were.  
  
“Hey, have you guys heard of that one M. Night Shyamalan film?” Kise said out of the blue, seemingly unaware that breaking the silence was taboo. Now, nothing could stop madness from descending upon each of them in turn. Mayuzumi barely knew the guy, but merely from the way that he had just tactlessly spoken up at random, it was clear that if this did turn out to be like a scene from a horror movie, Kise would be the first to die.  
  
“Ryouta,” Akashi said in an ominous voice, and turned to face the blond. He was wearing the same expression as he did on the court right before ankle breaking some poor kid. Was the first killing about to happen already...?  
  
“I’m just trying to make conversation! Why are you guys so serious?” Kise winced, putting his hands up in front of himself defensively.  
  
“Akashi-kun is right,” Kuroko said unhelpfully. Wait, what? Akashi hadn’t even said anything besides Kise’s name. Mayuzumi subtly glanced down at him to see if his expression might elucidate the meaning of this enigmatic phrase, but there was only a mischievous glint in the other shadow’s eyes. He was somehow enjoying this?!  
  
“Kurokocchi, so mean!” Kise whined. It seemed everyone was just going to recite stock phrases now.  
  
“Could you guys stop talking?! You’re wasting air!” Kagami whispered urgently. He had a mouth over his hand, as if it was also necessary to reduce his volume by as much as possible.  
  
A moment of silence fell upon them all. It seemed as though no one knew whether to laugh or cry. In their minds, everyone was probably thinking, is this guy for real?  
  
Then, suddenly sounding weak, Kuroko groaned, “I… I feel light-headed… I think I’m running out of air…!”  
  
“K-KUROKO! DON’T DIE!” “KUROKOCCHI! I’LL SAVE YOU!” Kagami and Kise shouted at the same time. Do you guys have holes in your brains.  
  
“That’s not how elevators work. We won’t run out of air.” Mayuzumi finally spoke up in a vain attempt to prevent the situation from degrading even further.  
  
“It’s not? But, I read that the ventilation system in an elevator can fail if the power goes out.” Kuroko said, and then looked at Mayuzumi innocently. Beside them, Kagami gasped in surprise, muttered "I knew it!", then immediately slapped both his hands over his mouth when he realized what he had just done. Mayuzumi tried not to glare at Kuroko, more out of concern for his own safety than for the sake of politeness. This guy was a serious threat to their sanity.  
  
“Tetsuya,” Akashi said warningly. In that moment, Mayuzumi felt a wave of gratitude rush over him. “I know how to perform CPR.” And then, despair.  
  
“Oh! I do too, actually!” Kise chimed in.  
  
“CPR isn’t going to help if there’s no oxygen left…” Kuroko trailed off. He briefly covered his face with a hand, as though genuinely tormented by fear. When he removed it, tears were welling up in his large, adorable eyes. You could almost hear the sound of hearts breaking in two at the sight. Mayuzumi alone noticed the small bottle of eye drops that Kuroko immediately slid into his pocket.  
  
However, before Mayuzumi could make some remark about the eye drops, in a voice barely more than a whisper, Kuroko murmured, “If we die in here… I’ll never get to play basketball with you all again…”  
  
“Kuroko…” “Kurokocchi…” “Tetsuya…” Akashi, don't fall for it too! You're the only semi-dependable person here!  
  
"Please, everyone… you don't have to die just so that I can live…” Kuroko went on. Why. Why are you doing this, Kuroko. Akashi was actually starting to take out a pair of scissors from somewhere.  
  
Mayuzumi wanted to strangle the smaller shadow, but then he would have immediately been ankle broken, meteor jammed, and drowned in Kise’s tears. And then probably killed for real. His mind was racing, trying to find another solution. It suddenly dawned upon him that none of them had tried the obvious one yet.  
  
“Has anyone tried using their cellphone? Mine is out of battery.” Mayuzumi asked, deciding it was for the best if he didn’t acknowledge Kuroko’s melodramatic comments at all.  
  
“It seems there’s no signal.” Kuroko replied immediately. The others, upon checking their phones, nodded in agreement.  
  
“Then, we’ll just have to wait.” Mayuzumi said. He then closed his eyes and leaned against the wall of the elevator. Hopefully, his pragmatic and nonchalant words would calm everyone down.  
  
For a few blissful minutes, his plan seemed to have worked. The five boys stood in silence as they waited for fate to rescue them. Mayuzumi regarded each of them in turn. Akashi still had his arms crossed against his chest, but his eyes were now closed, and his lips twitched in amusement every now and then, as though he was sharing some kind of private joke with himself. Kagami was clutching the end of a necklace with one hand, and there was a distant look in his eyes as he stared at a spot on the floor. Kuroko's gaze kept wandering from person to person, and though his expression was entirely unreadable, he, too, seemed to be lost in thought about something.  
  
Then, Kise opened his mouth again. “Hey, I know, let’s play a game!”  
  
“Ryouta, no.” “Hell no.” Akashi and Kagami had agreed on something. They both seemed to sense that this caused an imbalance in the universe, for they made eye contact for a brief moment following their simultaneous vocalizations. The irritated look on Akashi's face seemed to silently convey the words, "I said it first." Whether or not Kagami understood this, his expression darkened, and he glared fiercely at the other boy. Mayuzumi wondered if Kagami just didn't have any survival instinct.  
  
“It sounds like fun, Kise-kun,” interjected Kuroko.  
  
“... I suppose it can’t be helped.” “... This better be good, Kise.” Wait, why are you guys going along with it now?! Was Kuroko's charisma really that strong? Mayuzumi snuck another glance at Kuroko. He seemed completely normal. Mayuzumi frowned.  
  
“Yay, Kurokocchi is the best!” Kise cheered in his usual overenthusiastic manner. “Okay, the game goes like this: I’m going to think of a number between 1 and 1000, and then you guys will try to guess what it is. Whoever guesses the closest without going over… gets a prize!”  
  
Kagami seemed genuinely interested now, and he asked, “What’s the prize?”  
  
“It’s a secret!” Kise gave him a wink. The others seemed to be content with this half-assed explanation, and all nodded.  
  
Mayuzumi was, in a word, worried.  
  
“Okay, I’ve got it. You guys can guess now!” Kise said. “Starting with Akashicchi!”  
  
“Seven hundred and fifty.” Akashi said confidently.  
  
“What!? How did you come up with that? It makes no sense whatsoever!” Kagami spluttered, but Akashi didn't even acknowledge him. “Fine, then I’ll choose… Seven fifty-one!”  
  
“Kagami Taiga… lower your number.” Akashi commanded.  
  
“No way! This is the only way I'll beat you for certain!” Kagami retorted, openly defiant. The tension between the two redheads was increasing exponentially.  
  
“Kise-kun, my guess is… one.” Kuroko offered. Akashi and Kagami suddenly seemed to realize that they might both lose, which caused them to deflate a little.  
  
“Okay! The results are in!” Kise said. A vein bulged on Mayuzumi’s forehead. He didn’t want to play to begin with, but being forgotten by Kise was somehow much worse.  
  
“Kise-kun, you’re forgetting about Mayuzumi-kun.” Kuroko pointed out.  
  
“Who?” Kise blinked, and then glanced in Akashi’s direction and Kagami’s direction before noticing that Mayuzumi was standing right next to Kuroko. “Oh, right! Oops!”  
  
“I’m not playing,” Mayuzumi grumbled bitterly.  
  
“Mayuzumi-kun, it’s just for fun,” Kuroko egged him on. The others looked at the fun-hating senpai expectantly.  
  
Mayuzumi internally wished a thousand deaths upon Kuroko. “Fine. My guess is 666.” That’s you, by the way, Mayuzumi thought spitefully as he glared at the center of the whorl atop Kuroko’s head. It went in a clockwise direction-- the same as his own hair. This pissed him off for some reason.  
  
“Wow! Mayuzumi-san, could it be that you’ve seen that movie?” Kise asked. Mayuzumi didn't react. In fact, he was actually trying to process having been spoken to in a way that actually conveyed a modicum of respect. It was so emotionally moving that he could have cried right then and there, but he had far too much pride for that. Maybe this Kise guy wasn't as bad as he initially thought. Then, Kise continued, “Anyway, the winner is… Kurokocchi! The number was seven, my jersey number!”  
  
“How inane.” “That’s dumb, Kise.” Akashi and Kagami both pretended not to care that they had lost. Mayuzumi couldn't help but silently agree, though. Don't say it's going to be between 1 and 1000 if it's just 7, jeez.  
  
“So, what is the prize, Kise-kun?” Kuroko asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.  
  
Kise glanced at Kuroko shyly, blushing as he said, “It’s… me! You can have me as a prize, Kurokocchi! Oh no, what's going to happen to me~? Please be gentle~!” With this, he began to walk towards Kuroko’s (and Mayuzumi’s) corner. Everyone, including Kuroko, was frozen in place due to second-hand embarrassment.  
  
“Oi, Kise--” Kagami began, seemingly the first to snap out of it, but Akashi had actually already ankle broken him.  
  
Kise fell ungracefully to the floor. Everyone went silent again.  
  
“Kise-kun, that’s gross.” Kuroko said, appropriately deadpan.  
  
"Yeah, uh, I kinda have to agree with Kuroko..."  
  
“Ryouta, I forbid you from making any other suggestions. Go back to your corner and don't move, speak, or breathe."  
  
“Wah, so mean!!”  
  
Mayuzumi pressed his knuckles to the point between his eyes before closing them. First of all, that really was gross. Mayuzumi suspected he would have nightmares about it for days. Secondly, did none of them realize that this guy could have just changed the number before announcing the winner, since he didn’t write it down or anything? Maybe insanity really was setting in.  
  
"Anyway, that gives me an idea for a real game," Kagami piped up.  
  
"No more games. This is getting ridiculous." Akashi said with a tone of finality. Mayuzumi mentally cheered, then stopped and frowned because it was Akashi that he had just cheered for.  
  
"What, are you afraid you'll lose?" Kagami teased. Mayuzumi winced. Don't say it, don't say it... "Oh wait, you already did!"  
  
Akashi's eyes narrowed, and suddenly, the pressure of his intimidating aura grew to an unbearable level. Even Kuroko shivered involuntarily. Mayuzumi took back his earlier prediction about Kise being the first to die. Bye, Kagami.  
  
"I propose... a breath-holding contest!" Kagami continued, his voice full of single-minded determination. "Whoever holds their breath the longest is the winner! And this way, we can save air, too!" Again with the air?!  
  
"That's a great idea, Kagami-kun." "It sounds like a lot of fun!" Their forced replies came quickly, probably in order to prevent the murder of this poor oblivious boy.  
  
"... Very well, then. Challenge accepted." And with that proclamation, the situation was defused.  
  
A look of relief was exchanged between Kise and Kuroko, Mayuzumi noticed. So, even those two could be on the same page when it came to dealing with Akashi.  
  
"Mayuzumi-kun, since you probably don't want to play, why don't you do the countdown?" Kuroko then suggested. He gave Mayuzumi a friendly smile.  
  
Mayuzumi blinked. It was the first sensible thing Kuroko had said to him thus far. What was this. A truce? Or was Kuroko trying to get him to lower his guard? Unable to find a way to antagonize him for this comment, Mayuzumi begrudgingly said, "Fine. On 'go', then. Ready, set, go."  
  
The other four began to hold their breaths. Mayuzumi, glad not to be participating in their idiotic game, leaned backwards and tried to enjoy the brief moment of peace. As expected, Kuroko was the first to give up, letting the air out of his lungs with exaggerated resignation before taking a few shallow breaths. Mayuzumi eyed him suspiciously. Wasn't that a bit too fast? It was hardly even ten seconds. Kuroko, sensing he had Mayuzumi's attention now, looked up to meet his eyes, and smiled again.  
  
However, before Mayuzumi could put together what that smile meant, Kuroko rapidly scooted closer to him, and then while standing on tiptoe, gave Mayuzumi a soft peck on the lips.  
  
"Wha--" Mayuzumi's eyes widened in surprise. At the same time, a chorus of "KUROKO?!" "KUROKOCCHI?!?" resounded from Kagami and Kise. Mayuzumi's gaze immediately darted towards Akashi. As he had feared, Akashi's expression had shifted from a look of general annoyance to one of undiluted murderous intent. However, almost as quickly, his gaze then softened to a warm and even playfully amused look. Mayuzumi would later file this moment away in his memories as one of the rarest things he had ever had the misfortune to witness.  
  
"... Kuroko, it seems you've exceeded my expectations once again," Akashi finally said, and then chuckled. Kuroko glanced over at Akashi and positively beamed at him, before turning to face Mayuzumi again.  
  
Mayuzumi was standing perfectly still, having been shocked into silence by this entire exchange. Kise and Kagami seemed equal parts scandalized and guiltily excited. Akashi had a disturbingly appreciative smile etched onto his features. All four of them were watching with rapt attention to see what Kuroko would do next.  
  
Kuroko peered up at Mayuzumi with half-lidded eyes, still smiling, though in a way that suddenly seemed much more devious than before. With surprising fluidity, he leaned in very close and whispered, "I bet you thought that this was only going to be about me, the original shadow; that you'd be an outsider the whole time, awkwardly observing our interactions. It's usually a light sandwich or something similar, after all. But this time, we're going to have a double shadow serving." Oh my god, what are you even saying!? Mayuzumi was blushing furiously, but only because of the horrendously embarrassing things coming out of Kuroko's mouth, or so he tried to convince himself.  
  
With his unabashedly blunt monologue now over, Kuroko gripped the front of Mayuzumi's shirt to pull him downwards, and kissed him again. He was very demanding, nipping at the taller boy's lower lip with his teeth until Mayuzumi finally relented and parted his lips. A warm, wet tongue immediately slipped inside, teasingly stroking Mayuzumi's own, as if to say, "You tried really hard, but in the end, you couldn't escape from me."  
  
This annoyed Mayuzumi to no end, and a growl escaped his throat before he could stop himself. He brought a hand up behind Kuroko's neck to steady him before taking control of the kiss, forcing his tongue into Kuroko's open, pliant mouth. Kuroko moaned softly with shameless pleasure at this reversal, which was really more arousing than it had any right to be. Undaunted, Mayuzumi wrapped his other arm around Kuroko's back in order to press their bodies firmly against each other, and didn't bother to hide his smirk as he felt Kuroko's rather obvious bulge through the layers of their clothing. Without breaking the kiss, Mayuzumi now had the other boy pressed up against the wall of the elevator, and all sorts of adorable, yet undeniably lewd, muffled noises began to come from Kuroko as Mayuzumi moved their hips together in an absolutely maddening way.  
  
During this prolonged moment of intense shadow on shadow action, no one seemed to notice that the elevator had begun moving again. It was thus with a rather impertinent _ding_ that the elevator finally arrived at its destination, and the doors opened to reveal Aomine, who also happened to be in the building, and who was in the middle of eating a slice of pizza.  
  
"Huh? Kise? Kagami? And Akashi too? What are you guys all doing in here-- WHOA, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM TETSU, YOU SICKO!!" Aomine suddenly noticed the person who was clearly sexually assaulting his dearly beloved bro. Without a second thought, he hurled the half-eaten slice of pizza at Mayuzumi. It hit him squarely in the back of the head before falling onto the floor with a soft _plap_. Mayuzumi paused. He detached himself from Kuroko and straightened his back. The weight of his actions was beginning to sink in. What the hell had he just done? With tremendous courage, he dared to look down at Kuroko's face.  
  
Kuroko, despite flushed cheeks and glistening, swollen lips, had in his wide eyes a very obvious glimmer of triumphant amusement. It couldn't be... that this entire situation had been planned from the beginning?!  
  
"I hate all of you," Mayuzumi declared, and then used misdirection to escape from the extremely embarrassing scene.  
  
He would later find out that Kise and Kagami simultaneously tackled Aomine in the hallway and tried to beat him up for "ruining everything that is pure in this world", and that their brawl probably continued for a solid five or so minutes before they all noticed that Akashi and Kuroko were not with them. This information came from Kuroko himself, who had texted Mayuzumi (damn you, Akashi, don't just give away people's phone numbers!) hours later in order to let him know that he "just had the best of my life" (Mayuzumi wanted to purge his brain of all the words it automatically supplied), that "next time, Akashi-kun wants you to be more submissive" (this entire sentence was so problematic, Mayuyu didn't even know what to be the most upset about), and that "Aomine-kun demands that you buy him a replacement slice of pizza" (please die! You weren't even involved, except for the sake of some stupid pizza gag!).  
  
The urge rose within him to simply destroy his cellphone then and there, but such a recklessly hotheaded act would not be very in character for the usually unaffected senpai. Instead, he merely texted back, "It will be a cold day in hell before there's a 'next time.'"  
  
However, for some reason, the response that came shortly afterwards was, "See you this weekend, then."  
  


  
END(?)

**Author's Note:**

> next time: SHADOW SANDWICH WITH AKASHIKUN???? idek


End file.
